For the past month since Ramadan; whenever I eat, I play Tiga Fakir, Ngaji Roso or other similar Youtube channels that discuss spirituality. Suddenly, I felt the urge to learn and upgrade my knowledge related to spirituality after years of hiatus because I thought I had everything figured out. Actually, I started to learn again because my working partner and I initiated these two study groups that focus on sustainable living. It's just so absurd for me because what started as a fun girl gang programs have actually become the trigger for me to rediscover spirituality. These study groups turned out to be the blessings I didn't know I needed, and I'm so thankful for it!
On this new spiritual journey, I found new revelations that have shifted my perspective on certain things and how I approach my life. Before we continue about the lessons that I've recently learned, I must share my spiritual journey with you first so you can better understand the context.
So, I was a very private person, shy, and a people pleaser. It was really hard for me to express my emotions and voice my needs. I used to bottle up my feelings and just try to be a good kid by pleasing everybody. I was afraid to say 'no' or even negotiate. I avoided conflict whenever I could. I also was an avoidant, so if I didn't want to comply with some conditions, I chose to stay silent and leave instead of talking it out. As I started my spiritual journey, I then learned to be a very positive person and obedient. I tried my best to get rid of my ego in order to stay content and be useful by trying to solve all the world problems and help people whenever I could. Later on, I learned that what I did was only suppressing my emotions, wants and needs further, which eventually led to an explosive outburst.
I then got tired and sick of being a kind person. I was tired of following other people's rules. I was tired of trying to solve every problem in this world while no one seems to care about my problems. I felt like I was being used, and people took advantage of my kindness without paying it in return. All of these left me feeling lonely and angry. After that, I entered my 'villain' era where I chose to be selfish and prioritize myself.
In this 'villain' era, I became a totally different person. I stopped giving a fuck about others and did everything just for my own sake. I did things just because I wanted to, not because I had to or because it was the right thing to do. I spoke up for my needs. I stopped doing anything that costs my peace of mind and happiness. I stopped playing hero who solve every problem and started to live a mundane life and be an ordinary human being. I started to leave my idealism and do all the mainstream activities that I used to hate because I thought it was shallow and useless, like dressing up, wearing make up, going to a nail salon, taking selfies, getting tattoo, etc. This was like my happiest moment as I felt so free and alive!
In this era, I gained a new perspective: that life is actually predestined and perfect. As important as the good, we also need to experience the bad things in life, and that everything is based on God's will. So, I just felt like going with the flow and living my life to the fullest! I wanted to experience everything without expectation, because I believe that every situation I'm in is the best one for me. This belief really put me at ease, I've been enjoying my life too much to the point where I've become comfortable doing nothing and being useless. I just want to be a trophy wife, doing pilates in the morning, having brunch with the girls in the afternoon, spending my evening chilling, and having a fancy dinner with my spouse to end the night. I've turned down many job offers because I really don't want to engage in any meaningful and productive activity. And I thought there's nothing wrong with it because we're always in the perfect situation, right? I lived by this mindset and lived a very peaceful life until my study groups happened!
Even though my study groups were created to talk about things related to sustainability; for the first classes we were focusing on strengthening our inside selves. We were discussing about tips for regulating emotions, the benefits of fasting, and the benefits of meditation. What I learned from these classes goes beyond the topics we were discussing; instead, I learned about past lives, karma, reincarnation, and our purpose in this life. These are what triggered me to look for more information and knowledge, and I ended up learning about energy, universal laws, and many many other things!
What disturbed me the most is that my recent findings conflicted with my beliefs. I believed that we're here because God wants to experience His own greatness; so we need to live, learn, and adapt God's properties until we 'become' God and are one with Him. I believed that life is already planned out and predicted by God, so I didn't really believe in free will. I believed that there's no good or bad situation in this life, every situation is Divine and perfect for our growth; they're just different. I believed our best approach to this life is to accept and surrender totally to every situation given. Basically, just live our best life mindfully with God in mind, like 'what would I do if I were Him'. And if we're still failing to adapt all of God's properties, we will be sent back here again to complete our lessons.
Whereas my new finding tells me that we're not here because God wants to experience His greatness. If He is THAT great, He would know it in the first place without the need to create us. We're here because of our own needs and desires. God only created the system, and we're the ones who decide what kind of life we want to have on this earth. Also we're the ones who attract every situation that we're in right now, based on our karma, energy, and frequency (not because God wants us to be in that situation). It means, not every situation is good for our growth; we get to choose to stay or move to a 'better' one. Surrender is an option, not necessity. We're here because we have karmic debt to the people living with us today, and we need to pay it back. We need to apologize, forgive and be kind to everyone we meet or in contact with and be of benefit to others because if we create new karma, we will be sent here again to pay the debt.
I mean, can you see the difference?
I was feeling uneasy for a while because right now I feel like I have to take control over my life instead of carrying out God's plan. I believe everything is perfect in God's plan, but in my own plan? Well I can be right or wrong and I don't like thinking this way because if shit happens, then I'm the one to 'blame', not God. I also feel like I have to work hard to manage my energy and be a kind person (again) to pay all my karmic debt instead of just chilling and accepting every fate/situation that is given to me. Before this, I felt like God controlled my life, and I was just sitting in the back seat following Him. Right now, I feel like I'm the one who's driving and God just watches me ride. And you don't know how uncomfortable this revelation makes me feel. I then talked to my working partner, and she gave me a perfect analogy. She said "Think of it like learning to ride a bike for the first time. At first, your parents held the bike and directed you so you wouldn't fall. But then they let go, and you got to ride it by yourself. Maybe it's time for you to ride your own bike now." And then things just clicked.
I am finally accepting this new perspective (though it might change again someday). We're not here merely to enjoy our own lives. We need to share our blessings with the world, and that requires a lot of work. I've been slacking, keeping my blessings to my self, and living a comfortable and easy life only for my own sake. It's time to do the work again, and this time is for everyone's sake. I feel like my villain era has finally come to an end, and I don't regret this process. Instead, I'm thankful for it! Even though I thought this era was counterproductive, turned out it helped me fill my cup with love so I can give it to others. In the past, I tried to give, give and give while my cup was still empty. I didn't have anything to give, but I tried to share my blessings with the world just because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I've learned that we need to first shower ourselves with love before we can share love with others. I'm thankful for every process I've been through because it has led me to where I am right now, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Right now, I'm trying to be mindful whenever I can because I am the one who's controlling my life, not God. I'm trying to be conscious of what I'm thinking because it affects my health, my actions, my situation in life, the people around me, and many other aspects of my life. I'm trying to be conscious of my words and actions because I don't want to hurt other people and create new karmic debt, which will hurt me again in the future. I'm trying to forgive myself and others to cut all karmic ties. I'm trying to eat healthy, sunbathe, workout, spend time in nature, meditate, pray, listen to high-vibration musics, read positive content, learn new things, be with positive people and share my blessings (presence, knowledge, energy, money, etc.) in order to get my life in the Universe's flow so I can live an easy and abundant life where I can share more blessings, and life becomes this endless cycle of blessings. I know I write about this shit a lot but right now, I'm doing it from a different intention and consciousness, and I hope things will get better and better!
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